TheGayGuideNetwork

RELATIONSHIPS :: The 5 Hottest Same-Sex Marriage Destinations

GGN — Thu, 18 Jan 2018 17:18:57 +0000

As far as same-sex marriage is concerned, it has been a long ride and an uphill battle for the LGBT community to legally marry. In North America, Canada recognized gay marriage in 2005, but it took the U.S. ten years to catch up (we’re just happy they did). In between, many countries in Europe and North and South America have legalized same-sex unions, with more countries moving forward with gay marriage rights all the time. And you know things are getting better when far-away places like Greenland recognize same-sex unions! Read more about countries that recognize gay marriage here.

Many engaged couples fantasize about exchanging vows in an exotic land far, far away. As an LGBT couple, however, the challenge is finding a location that will legally marry you with minimal legal hassle. In this article, we focus on five international hot spots that recognize same-sex unions for foreigners with minimal stipulations, each with a unique travel experience.

1. The Netherlands

The Netherlands is a dream destination for romantic types featuring breathtaking backdrops of endless tulips, charming horse-drawn carriages and authentic Dutch farms. As a progressive leader in same-sex marriage legalization, the Netherlands recognize three kinds of unions:

civil marriage;
registered;
partnership;
and cohabitation agreement.

However, there’s a catch. For the government to allow your union, at least one of the partners must be a Dutch or a foreigner who has a Dutch residency status; and they need to submit a notice of their intention to marry to the City of the Hague Registrar’s Office.

If that rules out the Netherlands, move onto destination #2…

2. Malta

(Full disclosure. The author of this post is based in and runs a wedding planning business in Malta. But come on! The Mediterranean!) The latest addition to the list of gay-friendly wedding destinations is Malta. Following their Civil Unions Act of 2014, LGBTIQ gender neutral marriages in Malta are officially legal and binding as of September 1, 2017. Malta is an excellent Mediterranean choice for hopeless romantics, beach lovers, history buffs, socialites and foodies; offering a little bit of everything for the well-rounded traveler.

Or if you’re looking for a bit more flair, try destination #3… Spain

3. Spain

If your idea of heaven is sipping a clara and dancing the flamenco against the backdrop of live acoustic music in the company of your loved ones, then Spain is calling! Same-sex marriages have been legal in Spain since 2005. Take your fiesta to Barcelona, Madrid, Sitges, or Ibiza – all welcome LGBT unions. You may choose to have a civil partnership or civil marriage ceremony. Just be forewarned that processing your application to get married in Spain can take a while, so file ensure an approval in advance of your trip.

If you long for scenery and serenity, discover destination #4… Iceland

4. Iceland

Iceland’s magical landscapes are simply serene for any wedding soiree. And since Iceland legalized same-sex marriages back in 2010, you can freely exchange your vows surrounded by its magnificent glaciers, cascading waterfalls or endless rolling hills. Whether you choose to wed inside a rustic wood or brick church or outdoors under the Northern Lights, the legal process leading up to it will be a breeze compared to other countries. The primary conditions of having your wedding in Iceland are to be of legal age and to prove your presence in their country with documentation of your arrival date, such as a visa, airline ticket or passport stamp.

Yearning for a more wild and luxurious wedding adventure? Check out destination #5…

5. Cape Town, Africa

Cape Town is a fabulous choice for nature lovers and thrill seekers who envision a wild getaway filled with white sandy beaches, island tours, luxury yacht excursions, classic estate vineyard wine tastings and nature. South Africa legalized same-sex marriages in 2006 with only a few requirements, such as birth certificates and visitor permits, to process your intent to be married. The time you save on the legal formalities can be spent planning an extended destination wedding trip filled with surfing, safaris, scenery, and spirited city spectacles that make it a one of a kind vacation.

Other Locations

What if your dream destination is not on this list? Don’t despair. Many same-sex couples simply choose to get legally married with a few witnesses in their home country, as a formality, and then jet off to the location of their choice for festivities. If your preferred destination country does not permit legal same-sex marriage to foreigners, you can coordinate a “symbolic” ceremony or forgo the formal ceremony altogether and make the entire day one big wedding reception.

Love is universal, and thanks to progressive laws, marriage is now universal too (or, at least, international)! So if your dream is to get married abroad in an exotic, fun or breathtaking location, you have at least five incredible options with minimal for making that happen.

Martina Selvagi, is the founder of Wed Our Way, a fun and cheerful destination wedding planning team serving Malta, Croatia and France.

Photo by Diego Duarte Cereceda on Unsplash

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SOCIETY :: Women With Gay Friends Are Blessed

GGN — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 20:42:32 +0000

RELATIONSHIPS :: I have known and loved gay men ever since I can remember. When I was a wee child, my father worked with a man named Sid, who I now realize was flaming and living a lie. He was married to a woman and had children with her, as it went in the days when homosexuality was considered a crime in Canada. As a kid, I could neither put my finger on what it was about Sid, nor did I have the language to describe my perception of him. He had a lisp, a limp wrist, and he loved martinis. Sid was special and I thought he was fantastic.

In high school, I made friends with Jay, a fun, gentle gay man who I am still friends with. Jay was just Jay and his sexuality was not an issue – in our social group at least. Trying to deal with high school in the 1980s when homophobia was rampant and homosexuality very misunderstood, I was grateful for people who broke the rules and weren’t afraid to be themselves. Jay was one of these; he was just himself and we couldn’t understand why people made such a big deal out of his sexuality – especially at a time when the people who teased him wore horrible mullets and listened to crappy bands like REO Speedwagon!

Sometimes we went to the clandestine gay bar in our small prairie city; we had to be signed in by members of the club and buzzed in through the locked door. At that time, being gay and being a gay ally was dangerous, so precautions had to be taken. But it was a wonderful time; Jay told me about his exploits with older men who recognized his state of being even before he did. It was a time of discovery about ourselves and our tastes; our rebellion, our characters, and our desire to be ourselves. Through Jay, I learned to have fun and be true to myself no matter what people said about me.

My first job out of high school was at a Canadian department store where I worked in the menswear department. This is where I met Greg. He was neat, tidy, and always smelled good. Greg was older than me and lived with his boyfriend in a gorgeous apartment in an old building with white pillars in the front. They introduced me to lots of older professional gay men who immediately accepted me for who I was, and I was completely taken by their open minds, their zest for life, sense of fun, and of course, their good taste.

Life can throw tough circumstances at us, but when you’ve got a life-long friend – especially a gay one – you know that you’ve been blessed. Greg and I have been through good times and bad together, still going strong 30 years later. Greg taught me that no matter what a person’s sexual identity, we share the same joy, fear, and pain because we’re all human.

I spent ten wonderful years volunteering at the AIDS Committee of Toronto (ACT). I was the first woman in the history of the agency to volunteer for the gay men’s outreach program, where I handed out countless packs of condoms and lube to guys in gay bars and talked about safer sex and social issues. In the beginning, some bars didn`t welcome women but I went in anyway and did my job with the objective of preventing transmission of HIV and STIs and ultimately saving lives. I also coordinated the route on several AIDS Walks for ACT to raise money for services for positive men in the community. My time with ACT gave some of my most fun and fulfilling moments, and I gained a deep understanding about the gay experience, gay politics, sexual health, and stigma; being open-minded, how to listen, and how not to judge.

To me, gay men are perfect beings created from the best elements of the masculine and the feminine. The more gays are recognized and empowered, the better world it will be. I am very fortunate to know so many gay men and I couldn’t imagine my life without them – love you all, darlings!

Happy Pride! XOXO

by Leah Morrigan

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GAY PARENTING :: (Insert Question Mark Here)

GGN — Tue, 23 May 2017 20:35:54 +0000

GAY PARENTING :: Being a gay dad is not as extraordinary as people may think. I have three children and having them is the extraordinary thing. They are intrinsically linked to my heart on every level imaginable and that is the “fabulous” part.

For anyone who has raised a small contingency like mine, the details of the day added up to a calendar of activity. Time was needed and, in true irony, there was never enough time available for their many wants and needs. I spent many waking hours in a daze, sleepwalking through a routine that pulled me slightly left of center. When I got it right, I shone in their eyes. When I messed it up, they saw the world was not fair, or always a fun place to be.

But beneath the mix of applause and disappointment, love always ruled and still does today.

How did three kids become a part of my life under the rainbow? My children were part of a ten-year marriage that came about after a turbulent time as a teen and young man. My youthful exploration of gay encounters led to too much to handle. I thought gay was a dead-end, and accepted counselling and advice from Christian folks that I knew. That led to a marriage that did not resolve any of my unresolved issues, so it lasted a decade. A divorce ended that relationship, with kids intact. They witnessed a dramatic shift in the home dynamic and I can honestly say, may be still working out the fallout from the big event.

I sometimes travel the timeline of their development, and make pit-stops to reflect on some humorous and happy situations. Every birthday, I made a cake and decorated it from scratch; Barbies in candy dresses, Superman in his flowing cape, or fantasy landscapes inspired by My Little Pony. Birthday celebrations were marked by these colorful masterpieces. I remember on one occasion, putting together a birthday theme party: a fashion shoot, where the guests mixed and matched wardrobe items – their glam poses photographed and printed to take home in their goody bags.

Then, there was the girls’ first concert to see their music idol Hilary Duff. My partner and I prepared them for the spectacle, working on their big hairdos.

My son, when starting his fascination with computers, typed in ‘dick’ and was abruptly stopped and directed to a better word search. (His favourite comic hero was Dick Tracy so why wouldn’t you Google him?)

There were also the repeat excursions that brought us all closer together. We made many trips to coffee shops, where board games were played and eyes danced behind large cups of hot chocolate. Other coffee shop patrons would enjoy the family dynamic and would often come over to our table to comment on my lovely children.

All of these memories, if you think about them with me, could add up to a gay parenting formula. You know the drill: mark celebrations with a creative cake, when you go out look fabulous, get the perfect photo, and be mindful of what you type into a search engine. A pretty standard skill set for any gay man.

Having come out for a second time after the divorce, my parenting modelled differently. I was partnered for seven years to a great guy. My youngest tells me now that she never even questioned the relationship and wondered what was gay about it. He was just there, and was part of her life. Her observation was a testament to how we just lived how we lived, and were who we were. It never came off “abnormal” in her eyes.

Flash forward to a few months after my partner and I broke up. I became HIV positive and my kids witnessed the sudden change in my health. My partner returned home to help me during that difficult downfall, and the kids wanted to do anything to make me feel better. After he explained the importance of keeping surfaces clean, they went out and got the cleaners and gloves. I was immobilized in bed with exhaustion, nausea and severe coughing spells, and I turned to see them coming up the stairs, wiping down the banister and the bathroom at the end of the loft. It was a rallied effort and one of the most stand-out moments etched in my rolodex of family memories. They were looking out for their dad and I knew we were all going to be okay.

My advice to any parent, gay or otherwise, is simple. Roll with the punches, be honest with your kids, answer their questions openly and don’t judge them when they make the same mistakes you did as a kid. Make room for celebration and come together when crisis hits. Love them and express it in fabulous ways. That’s happy parenting!

– Don Short is a writer, artist and father of three. Don pivots life in the balance of making art and writing words. Follow him on Twitter (also @don_penscaper) and on Instagram.

Image: David Stokes

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RELATIONSHIPS :: My Would-Be Gentleman

GGN — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 20:09:37 +0000

RELATIONSHIPS :: My Would-Be Gentleman – It was a brisk, wet evening and I had already walked three city blocks in the rain. This was before my evening had unravelled, though – it’s best that I start from the beginning, when I was first asked out on the date.

He was a community partner associated with my company. We had already been on a date nearly three years ago, when I was just coming out of a toxic relationship, so I didn’t have any adverse reaction to being asked out on another. I admittedly don’t go on dates. I was excited.

After a twenty minute walk, the rain had soaked my maroon sweater. I arrived at Mark’s* house and he greeted me with a glassy-eyed smile as he offered to take my wet sweater. He neglected to mention he’d gotten a dog since we’d last seen each other three years ago. The drooling thing lunged at me, both investigating me and asking for scratches.

“Sorry about that! So how was your day?” Mark asked, walking me through his open-concept home to a seating area.

I had assumed that, like me, Mark had been working all day. But you didn’t have to be a master at deduction to notice the smell of rye on his breath, indicating he actually might not been at work for a while.

“It’s really weird experience being new at a job,” I began to answer Mark. “It’s like, I’ll reach into a bag of old tricks but they don’t work. I used to be Kris Angel – now I’m the new guy.”

I continued to explain how working in a larger and more complex environment than I was used to was going. As I expounded further on my new daily list of tasks, I caught his eyes glaze over.

I practically invented the glazed-over eye, while studying for my undergraduate degree – he wasn’t listening to a f*cking word.

I demolished my gin and tonic, hoping it’d help to make him as repugnant as he suddenly did: Mark had zero desire to hear about for my troubled day – was he only interested in what was going on in my pants rather than on my mind?

And with that, like proof to my theory, Mark partly pulled down my trousers, leaving my penis poking out of the jockstrap that I have in my work bag just in case (a boy’s got to be prepared.)

A dull make-out was suddenly underway; we moved from the couch to the bedroom.

I was starting to feel like I was in high school and that Mark and I were caught on the losing end of an awkward spin-the-bottle turn. His kiss had more in common with his bulldog’s slobber then I’d like to admit.

As quickly as went down – now fully naked – onto his rather comfortable mattress, my thoughts shifted from the awkwardness of this experience to how very comfortable the bed his bedding was – not exactly a romantic thought to have while he made a rather aggressive strike towards my dick.

There was no dialogue. My mind was fixated still on the mattress.

I tried to ignore how I was feeling – like a cheap purchase rather than an equal lover. After about twenty minutes of this sexual endeavour, I got up, put my clothing on, and walked out the door without a word to my would-be gentleman.

In retrospect, I should have validated what I felt from the very beginning. Even as a gay man in these times sexual liberation, you can maintain autonomy and respect – if you choose to value yourself.

– There’s nothing mild or mannered about Jeff Mcintosh, an innovative experimental prose, poetry and long form writer who lives by his own mistakes and successes. He lives and breathes Toronto, Canada. More: www.jeffsnotthatfunny.com

Images: Kristina Moraru Photography

* Name changed to protect the privacy of the individual

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EMPOWERMENT :: The Only Answer To Hate

GGN — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 18:48:06 +0000

THE ONLY ANSWER TO HATE :: To try to label the hate displayed Sunday in Orlando, or to attempt to pinpoint origins creates confusion and delays solution. Be it LGBT hate, ISIS hate, homeschooled hate, church hate, self hate or any other hate, all hate is hate and can only be transformed with love.

Love energy vibrates at a frequency far greater than that of hate. If you magnify energy, it looks like waves, and those waves are measured in Hertz (Hz), the number of waves per second. When we love we emit high vibrations (.10 – .15 Hz); we literally add voltage and power to the world. When we hate, our vibrational offering is weak: .01 – .08 Hz.

Energy vibrates; vibrations attract. Therefore, the dominant power of love literally draws more love. So “put more love into the world” isn’t just a platitude on social media in the wake of the deeds of a man in unfathomable pain, it’s the fastest, strongest actionable response to Sunday’s tragedy – to any hate – and one we can each harness always.

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but it can be transformed from one form to another. What happened in Orlando is an invitation to collectively transform the low-vibe hate energy displayed Sunday by one man with our collective high-vibe love energy. Here’s how to become someone from whom high love vibrations beam:

Within Yourself: Practice loving kindness towards you. Someone who loves themselves is a million times more powerful than someone who doesn’t. The next time you look in the mirror and jump into any old habit of criticizing, stop. Find something to praise, even if at first it is only your willingness to stop criticizing you. Look yourself directly in the eye while looking into the mirror and say aloud “I love you.” This is powerful work that creates a love-filled you. Begin to forgive yourself and continue to. Be an aligned person, one who does not speak or act unless they are in a place of high energy; make your alignment your top goal daily. (I go into the concept of alignment further on my website.)

Within Your Immediate Orbit: Where is the bar set for forgiveness of those in your life? Where is the bar set for judgement? Where is the bar for acceptance? Adjust them so that forgiveness and acceptance have room to grow and thrive, and judgement can barely squeeze through. Listen to others to understand, not just to reply. Speak up when you hear or see hate within your public and private lives, yet stay high-minded as you do so. Tell those you love that you do. Get so good at saying “I love you” that it just rolls off the tongue. Treat each encounter with family, friends and colleagues as sacred. That means putting your smartphone down, looking them in the eye and listening and respecting that this now moment with them is the only thing that matters.

Within The World Around You: Stop casting strangers out of your heart. Those who are not like you in race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, culture, opinion, behaviour, priorities, status or politics still do not give you one justifiable reason to do anything other than be open-hearted. Sameness is not our friend, diversity is. When it comes to others and how you presume them to be, ask yourself: Could I be mistaken? As you make your way through the world and pass people, silently bless them with your heart-based wish for a brilliant day. Commit anonymous acts of kindness. Make it your dominant intention all day every day to look for things to appreciate in everything and everyone you encounter.

It may feel like we live in a world where evil dominates, but there is more light shining throughout our planet at any given moment in time than there is darkness. Precisely as the Orlando shootings occurred, elsewhere around the globe babies were born to joyous, grateful parents, people made love, blissful miraculous happenings occurred in abundance, children screamed with laughter, countless people danced unscathed, acts of worthy good were carried out, grand news was received, and this is constant truth that never goes away, truth that is yours and mine to know whenever either of us needs it.

Don’t suppress the negative emotions you feel, whether they are about the Orlando shootings or anything else you experience that causes you pain. Instead, navigate them towards the greater good of yourself and the world by dialing up the frequency of all the love you have to give us all.

Shaun Proulx is the publisher of TheGayGuideNetwork.com and leads a #ThoughtRevolution on ShaunProulx.com. He hosts the weekly chat-fest The Shaun Proulx Show on SiriusXM Canada Talks channel 167. This post is a version of his weekly Spirit & The City column in 24 Hours.

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RELATIONSHIPS :: In Bed With Peter and William

GGN — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 17:58:52 +0000

RELATIONSHIPS :: Minaj “Peter” Tanweer and William Butts are the type of gay couple Oprah once quipped that are “connected on soul level.” They poke fun at their flaws, pass loving momentary glances, and without thought wipe crumbs out of each other’s facial hair every now and then.

What solidifies them is patience. Butts believes, “You needs lots of patience or it isn’t going to work. Guys want to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble; what they don’t realize is they’re throwing away the person.”

Before amassing over 7,000 Instagram followers who track their relationship online, their love story began as a typical boy-meets-boy tale. However their love was soon tested. Thus far William and Peter have triumphed over:

– William being kicked out by his father
– William in with Peter but keeping their relationship a secret
– Coming out to a traditional Muslim family
– A stint on social assistance
– Shift work
– Opening their relationship
– Both enrolling in Ryerson’s Hospitality Management program, and
– Choosing monogamy again

They are only in their mid-twenties. Sitting in matching outfits – their signature – this amazing social media couple joined me for coffee.

Max MacDonald: How did you meet?

William: Through an ad that I posted with a horrible picture on Craiglist

Peter: The first thing I fell in love with, as soon as I saw his post, was his blue eyes.

MM: When did you know you were going to be a couple?

William: It just clicked and I said “I love you” as we were on cam before we met the first time.

Peter: I worked at a gas station so I could bring my laptop and Skype with him. We chatted for three days.

William: We were not so in love when we first met. Now I can’t picture my life without him.

Peter: We’ve overcome many obstacles.

MM: Care to share?

Peter: [William’s] father threatened us. One day I walked into William’s house, as he was afraid of his father. His father said, “If you choose Peter over us leave everything I’ve given you.”

William: The only thing my dad gave me, that I was wearing, was a jacket. Peter gave me everything else. So I took it off and said, “Bye dad.”

Peter: He lived with my family. My father was fine with it but insisted he stay in my room. My father didn’t know about us or that I was gay at the time.

MM: Peter how did you tell your family?

Peter: I said to William it was time. I needed to have someone beside me when I told them. So I asked my close friend to come over.

William: I was hiding under a sheet in his bedroom when he told them.

MM: And William was still living with your family Peter?

Peter: Yes. And this was all happening in Urdu and William has no idea was going on.

William: Remember I’m still under the sheet.

Peter: There was all this yelling and I went into the next room and fake fainted.

William: [Laughs] That was the day he learned not to fall down with his contact lenses in.

MM: Do you mind sharing how you ended up on welfare?

Peter: There was a period of eight months where both didn’t have jobs so we were on welfare.

William: We used to go to the food bank together.

Peter: They would only give us good for two days. It was cookies, powdered milk and crap. I asked them for real food so I could cook. I was glad when William started working.

MM: You survived so much as a couple why did you decide to open your relationship?

Peter: William was working in security and he would have seven day shifts with four days off. For us to see each other every two weeks wouldn’t go by.

MM: Who started the whole conversation of about opening up the relationship?

Peter: I did.

MM: What within you had the courage to ask William to open things up?

William: He just asked me actually.

Peter: We trust each other completely. You have to trust the other person with communication and loyalty. We know are not going to leave each other for any reason.

William: [Laughs] You don’t have worry your partner is going to cheat on you. If you limit your partner he will be tempted to cheat.

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MM: So when did you flip back to monogamy?

Peter: Mutual understanding. I always check in with William.

MM: How did you decide to go on Instragram?

William: Peter started it. We had a YouTube.com channel that didn’t go well.

Peter: I want to share what we have with the world. We just capture moments and post natural content.

MM: Which one of you polices what goes on Instragram?

Peter: [Laughs] Before I post anything I ask William who is my executive editor. He has the final say over what goes up.

William: Peter is a total Instawhore and loves to Instragram everything.

Peter & William on Instagram: PeterandWilliam

Max MacDonald on Instragram: AndThenTheresMax

Max MacDonald is a media, PR, menswear and fashion law influencer who brings cool ideas to life. In November 2015 he spearheaded a history-making secret project which resulted in Toronto drag queen Michelle DuBarry receiving the Guinness World Record World’s Oldest Drag Queen. You can find him at: http://andthentheresmax.com

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ASSISTED SUICIDE :: Five Tips From My Father’s End Of Life

GGN — Wed, 14 Oct 2015 17:51:31 +0000

FIVE SURVIVAL TIPS IF ASSISTING A PARENT WITH THEIR END OF LIFE :: As an aging gay baby boomer and an only sibling, I was recently called upon to assist by beloved father with his end of life journey.

This may sound terribly morbid, but at ninety-two years old, my father was ready to call it quits and to experience what lies ahead after we leave our physical body. More than anything in the world, I wanted my dad to leave this life with the dignity and respect he deserved – not an easy task when assisted suicide is still not legal in Canada.

If you find yourself in a similar predicament or have aging parents who will need you when the time comes to end their life, here are five absolutely essential tips that will help you get through probably the most difficult task you will ever have to accomplish:

1- Make sure that your parent is transferred immediately to a palliative care facility or a hospice: With 21st century socialized medicine in Canada, hospitals are not equipped to provide the care, attention and sensitivity required during the end of life. Your first responsibility is to advocate on behalf of your mother or father to be transferred to a place where they can end their days on earth with dignity and privacy.

2- Pay attention to the language being used by the medical team: Since assisted suicide is still illegal in Canada, communicating with the medical team in charge of your parent will take on the form of decipher in some “secret medical code”. It’s essential that you pay attention because you will be required to make critical decisions on behalf of your father or mother. You will also have to translate the information to family members who might not share the same values about ending someone’s life when the time comes.

3- Keep the drama queens away: As I mentioned, not every member of your family will share your values when it comes to helping someone end their life. Assisted suicide brings up a lot of emotions for people which clouds clarity of thinking at a time when important decisions must be made. The process is difficult enough without having to be responsible for other people’s emotional meltdowns.

4- Make sure that your parents have “Living Wills”: This is probably the most important document you will refer to during the end of life journey. Without laws in place for assisted suicide in Canada, it is critical that aging parents have a living will dictating clearly their wishes when the time comes. There is so much stigma and judgement associated with what you are being asked to do that having a binding legal document is the only way to ensure that you are able to accomplish what is asked of you!

5- Funeral arrangements made sooner rather than later: It’s remarkable how many seniors have not made plans for their burial and how many people our age have not had a conversation about funeral arrangements with their parents. Discussing it with them and normalizing the process is essential to ensure that their wishes are carried out. Remember, once they are gone the grieving is left to the surviving relatives and they will have their own ideas on how to grieve their loss.

If you are not up to the task of assisting your parents during their end of life, then suggest to your aging parents that they appoint someone who is. The main thing is not to beat yourself up if you cannot go through with it – trusting your instincts, being honest with yourself and trusting someone else to provide end of life care for someone you love takes a great deal of courage.

Remember that ultimately we enter this world with assistance so having the same expectation about the end game is a perfectly natural thing.

– Sergio Martinez is a community activist, social justice advocate, traveler and multi media lover who resides in Toronto after spending twenty years living in Los Angeles. This post was first published by GGN June 6, 2015.

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Relationships :: The Five Languages Of Love

GGN — Thu, 28 May 2015 16:21:14 +0000

GGN Flashback!

Relationship expert Nicole McCance shared the Five Languages Of Love a few years back on The Shaun Proulx Show. She created a bona fide jump-out-of-your-chair-rip-your-head-set-off A-HA your love moment for Shaun during the show.

Hear the entire conversation with Nicole about The Five Languages Of Love:

According to McCance, the core question to ask yourself is this:

How do YOU feel the most love?

Is it when your loved one tells you they love you through:

Words;
Deeds;
Gifts;
Touch, or;
Quality time?

These are the Five Languages of Love.

Each of us expresses love using mostly one of the ways above, though typically there is a secondary “language” from the list in which we express our love as well. However, each of us feels the most love in one (or two) of those ways.

While you may express and feel love via words – in letters, emails, texts, and verbally saying the words, “I love you!” – your partner may neither receive or offer their love the same way. They may show you love via the work they do around the home, the meals they prepare for you, fixing your car or taking out the garbage. They may be looking for deeds in return from you, to also feel your love. They simply might not “hear” the words you are using.

This is often why many people feel their partner doesn’t love them in the same way that they love their partner – they don’t, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love them back in thier own way.

McCance explains more about The Five Languages Of Love:

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RELATIONSHIPS :: Why Do Gay Men Cheat?

GGN — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 18:19:57 +0000

WHY DO GAY MEN CHEAT? This is a question that is taking up a lot of real estate in my mind. My name is Kabir, and I hold a diploma in Broadcast Journalism. I’ve hosted and produced over 40 episodes of my own cable talk show, and I hosted a dating show. I run my own web channel, and I’m also a certified personal trainer and pilot-in-training.

This summer, my 3 1/2 year relationship ended, suddenly and to my disbelief. My life changed during two distinct moments on two days in August.

August 10th, 2014 : The plane lands, and I’m finally on my way home. I am so excited to see him. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around him. I walk through the door, and a few minutes later the doorbell rings.

It’s him!

“Have a seat” he says. We walk into the living room.

“This is it, I’m breaking up with you,” I’m told.

I know we’ve been fighting a little, but this is sudden. I am distraught, and I don’t know what to do with myself. This can’t be happening.

After 3 1/2 years, this is how it ends?

August 17th, 2014: No, there’s more. Days later I’m going through my friend’s phone. It’s here that I learn that I was cheated on by my ex.

Cynthia: OMG I LOVE RICK!

Ex: Really? I’m glad

Cynthia: Mhm, but you have to tell Kabir. About both of them.

Ex: He’s not worth it. I’ll just dump him and be done with it. I feel like I wasted so much time already.

While I have moved on from being broken up with, I am still grappling with the cheating aspect of this experience.

I keep asking myself: Why do gay men cheat?

My ex and I met when we were 16, so I’ve never had the chance to date anyone else. I also don’t have very much experience with gay culture.

This puts me in an interesting place; a young, single gay guy looking at gay culture from the outside.

What I’ve observed is that we typically seem very happy.

But I’ve also noticed that we love to sleep around.

Still, I still don’t understand why I was cheated on. I think I’m a catch!

So, I did some research.

A lot of what I’ve found indicates that “committed” means something slightly different in gay couples than in straight relationships.
I also learned that one third of homosexual marriages are between gay men.
In a study conducted by The New York Times – “The Gay Couples Study” has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners”.

But my question is why do gay men cheat? Even if they’re in a committed, loving relationship? After speaking to a few of my gay friends, there seems to be an underlying understanding in the gay community that being promiscuous is normal, both in and out of a relationship.

My mother is a psychotherapist. She gives me all sorts of wonderful advice. She says being involved in ‘serial relationships’ feeds into insecurities that make it hard for us to be alone. She says that after a long relationship, you need to take an extended period of time to learn to be alone.

So I have. Despite how my relationship ended and discovering I was cheated on, months later I am feeling great. I’ve taken the time to be alone and discover more about who I am. (I’ve even discovered that I love to paint. Not anything fancy, mostly abstract stuff. That way, I have an excuse when people don’t know what I’ve painted.)

But getting myself to the point of feeling great doesn’t remove the scar I still have from such a nasty breakup.

How do you turn something so terrible into something positive?

You embrace it. I’m producing a documentary called Why Do Gay Men Cheat?

The only way to answer all of my questions is to ask the right people. Why Do Gay Men Cheat? will examine why guys cheat, who they cheat with, how they cover it up, and if cheating is within the terms of their relationship. So far, I’ve got cultural leaders, life coaches, therapists, cheaters and the cheated lined up to speak in the film. I hope to uncover some answers about why gay men cheat, and I hope to come to some personal understandings about the nature of male relationships for when I’m ready to begin again with someone new.

– You can help Kabir Rathaur-Bageria with his documentary Why Do Gay Men Cheat? by making a donation on Kickstarter.

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EMPOWERMENT :: How To Avoid Drama

GGN — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 23:20:00 +0000

HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS :: One thing I’ve gotten really good at – as a recovering drama queen – is avoiding drama. The first thing I did was to simply grow up and grow out of my need for constant drama. But that took time. For fast results, I also live under a few simple rules that really help me avoid drama:

Avoid Drama Rule #1 – You know (right away). Go with your gut. You knew that person was grand the second you were introduced, just like you knew that other guy – the one “we all love!” – was a waste of your time as soon as you met him. Your inner voice never lies about who is right and wrong for you. Believe the quick read you get within the first few minutes of meeting someone.

Avoid Drama Rule #2 – When someone shows you who they are (come on Oprah people!): BELIEVE THEM. God, I’m still learning this one though. People teach you what they are about and you do get taught that fast. If you’ve been someone’s punching bag, second best, dumping ground, or if you’ve been emotionally abused by someone, forgive them (for you, so you can move on) but don’t forget. Keep a safe distance from all those messes in the masses.

Avoid Drama Rule #3 – Steer clear of TMI. I reap a lot of benefits from my presence on social media, but some time ago I deleted my Facebook timeline for good. One of the big reasons is that the more ‘friends’ I accumulated, the more TMI I exposed myself too. Steer clear of a person who will post their every anger, hurt, objection, rage on social media. This is a sign of someone who is deeply insecure, possibly narcissistic, and definitely high maintenance.

Avoid Drama Rule #4 – See that red flag? It’s a RED FLAG. You want dependable people in your life, but often, especially if you are dependable, you give more than you receive. If someone over-promises but under delivers all the time, they are not a good friend who will show up – ever. No matter how fun they are when they do arrive, you ultimately want dependable people. This one’s cousin rule to #2: That’s a red flag they be wavin’. Believe it.

Avoid Drama Rule #5 – Test for whiners. We all have those friends who love to get together and complain, gossip, and talk about how tough it all is. To this day I notice that when I do that even with my tried and true friends, I’m so good at it that they’ll fall right in line and suddenly it’s a pity party. It’s like we’re hard-wired to marinate in misery, so be careful of who you vent to. Yes, my friends will come to my pity party, but that’s because I rarely throw one and they take me seriously when I complain. To see if your friends are in it in good AND bad times, next time they throw you a ball of blue, don’t catch it. Change the topic to something that’s going great for you and gauge the response. Are they happy for you? Envious? Do they change the topic back to how it all sucks? You’ll find out if why your friends are with you, quickly.

Avoid Drama Rule #6 – Because I’m worth it. I used to sell myself short when it came to friendships. I think it’s because growing up I didn’t really have many friends, so was just happy to have some finally; as an adult I’ve been friends with just about anyone who asked. On one hand, I’m still proud that I can relate to people authentically, no matter who they are, but on the other, I’ve often sold myself short when I knew better. I have not stood up for myself, I have stayed in situations that viscerally felt off, I have stuck around people who felt – snotty as this sounds – less than me. But these days I assert my worth and it allows me to constantly respect myself more – so much so that I don’t even attract friendships that aren’t a match into my orbit. And if I do, they last about thislong.

– GGN publisher Shaun Proulx lives well and by his own rules. His blog on how to be, do and have anything is here.

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RELATIONSHIPS :: Putting On The Ritz

GGN — Sat, 06 Sep 2014 16:06:30 +0000

EXPRESS THE LOVE YOU FEEL :: Ask a gay man who has been in a relationship about what can cause a breakdown and it’s likely the word communication will arise. Resolving arguments, expressing anger, under-developed listening skills, and feeling the need to “win” arguments are common challenges in intimate relationships between gay men.

Psychotherapist Dale Curd says that’s because men are taught to communicate in a very specific way.

“Men communicate by fixing things,” says Curd, a leading authority in North America on men’s mental and emotional health. “Recognizing there are more ways to communicate is key.”

Communication is particularly important when it comes to the subjects of love and appreciation, areas in which typically men have difficulty with, Curd says.

“But it’s important to say or show how you feel – today,” advises Patrick Marano, husband of GGN publisher Shaun Proulx. They couple first began dating in 2008. “Your relationship doesn’t have to be in a bad place for you to do something good for it. >Tweet this! We make a point of showing each other our love. We call it “putting on the ritz” and its amazing how a little goes a long way.”

If actions speak louder than words, this past spring, Marano pulled out major ritz to communicate his love – clearly. Married since 2011, the pair still have yet to take a honeymoon. Instead of waiting for that to happen, Marano created a mini-honeymoon that remained top-secret until the day-of. “You’ve never seen someone so thrilled as my husband when I told him to pack a weekend bag on a Friday morning,” he says.

Instead of flying off somewhere, Marano whisked his husband in an SUV to the Ritz-Carlton, Toronto, just blocks from where they reside.

“The hotel is so decadent, we didn’t leave the building for two nights and three days,” Marano says. “It was an incredible way to strengthen our bond.”

He points to the exceptionally high standards of the luxury hotel as example of how-to in expressing appreciation. “They went out of their way to put thought into everything for us,” he says. “The key word being: thought. You have to put thought about the person you are in a relationship with, thought about how you can show them you care.

“When I was working with Ritz-Carlton on this surprise, they excelled at this. They took the time to find out about us. They asked, “How can we make this weekend memorable?” It mattered to them. So take the same approach with the person you love. The Ritz-Carlton, Toronto wanted to know everything about our wedding day, they wanted to see pictures, they wanted to know Shaun’s favourite cocktail. Everyone should appreciate their partner the way Ritz-Carlton Toronto appreciates its guests.”

Marano elaborates, saying that from the moment they arrived until the moment they left, the hotel made them feel like superstars. “Staff knew who we were on sight; everyone had been made aware of how special this weekend was. Whenever we passed a staff member we were wished “Happy Honeymoon!”. We were whisked up to their Club Level and served glasses of champagne while we took care of check-in business. We stayed in a magnificent space called the Simcoe Suite, which is jaw-dropping. It was very easy not to leave a lake view, Italian linens, and an oversized soaking tub for three days and time like that for a relationship is invaluable.

“When you show someone you love that you are paying attention to them, it really means a lot. Ritz-Carlton had set out more champagne on ice for when we first walked into the suite, and tied to the ice bucket was a bouquet of balloons with a design that matched my Tom Ford wedding jacket. That means a staff member saw one of our wedding photos and actually sourced out balloons to match. I was so touched. It’s always the thought means the most; our partners remember how we make them feel. Our room was also filled with black calla lilies – our wedding flower – plus all the wedding photos I sent them to reference ended up in frames, all around the suite, which are now in our home.”

Shaun’s favourite drink – vodka martinis with stuffed olives – was duly noted and served in the relaxation lounge between their My Blend by Clarins facial and deep-tissue massage in the hotel’s #1 ranking spa. After a dinner at the hotel’s tribute to Toronto, TOCA, (where even 2-star Michelin Chef Oliver Glowig came by to offer the duo his warm wishes) the couple returned to their suite to find min version of their wedding cake.

“It was better than the original,” Marano says. “And yes, it was an incredible experience to be treated like kings this way, but it made me realize: isn’t that what we all want for our relationships? For them to be an incredible experience?”

If putting on the ritz means serving up The Ritz-Carlton royal treatment, it doesn’t mean you need to express your love and appreciation with a gesture as grand as the one Marano orchestrated. However, you should be prepared to commit to a high level of communication maintenance, say Curd, who offers his clients “The Rule of 3” to help them in becoming strong communicators of their feelings:

Incorporate 3 acknowledgments every day between each person, making heart-felt acknowledgements, such as, “I really appreciate what a great listener you are.”
Ensure 3 non-sexual physical connections per week. Hold hands on a walk, cuddle while watching TV, or greet each other with a hug at the end of a day.
Create 3 relationship-building activities each month. Focus on figuring out how you want to spend your time together.

Advises Curd, “Explore something your partner loves: Spend a day exploring something your partner loves to experience which may be unknown to you-or, not something you necessary would choose to do. Or spend a day consciously choosing to hold each other’s hands as often as you can. Walk, talk, dine, etc while holding hands. Next to a kiss, it is the most intimate, non-sexual action we can enjoy.”

Follow Dale Curd on Twitter.

Tour the Ritz-Carlton:

– With reporting by Vance Hedman.

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DREAMS COME TRUE :: Mother’s Day

GGN — Fri, 18 Jul 2014 10:41:02 +0000

RELATIONSHIPS :: Have you ever wanted something so badly that when it happens you can’t believe it did? For me, my desire was a deeply personal one, and while it did come true during the recent WorldPride festival in Toronto, all signs pointed otherwise for a while.

The timing of WorldPride Toronto might have been to blame. For you star-minded individuals out there, we were smack dab in the middle of the mercury retrograde which makes technical things go awry.

And boy did they ever! As a Pride stage host, I have never had to improvise so much in my life due to one technical difficulty after another. Thank God this wasn’t my first time at the Pride rodeo. Mercury Retrograde makes communication between people fizzle, too. I won’t name names but there was nothing pretty about watching a superstar DJ pull rank.

The stars played their role, so did the sun. It seemed like the heat was melting every drag queen’s lashes right off. A main subway station – College – was shut down, which meant no cutting below the endless WorldPride parade (6 hours!) to get to the other side of Yonge St. This meant me, my team, my luggage in a cab driving in ten different directions just to make it to my gig on time.

Yup! It was WorldPride, baby!

So you may be able to imagine how flustered the vibe was with all this in the mix.

And then I saw my mom.

I have been hosting Pride stages for years. My mother has been to countless Prides in her heyday. These two things have never combined. All I ever wanted was mom to come see me do what I do.

Having her there brought me back to how it felt when she used to come to every play I was cast in as kid.

My mom is the main reason I partake in Pride and why this festival means so much me. So I will never forget being on the Dirty Disco stage when DJ Chiclet lowered the music so I could speak to the crowd of 2,250 people about how my mom. How she volunteered for seven years at the AIDS Committee of Toronto, and donated her time to Casey House during the 80s to the early 90s to sit by the side to those dying of AIDS.

The crowd cheered and hollered as she waved from her special VIP seat. She later told me she felt like a celebrity.

My mom danced, ate, drank, and told me after it was all done, “You’re quite the show person!”

You never get tired of approval from those you love. I only ever wanted her to come to Pride to see what I do. Dreams come true.

Although I hope she comes back next year.

– Follow Miss Raquel on Twitter here!

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TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS :: Are You In One?

GGN — Tue, 06 May 2014 19:28:53 +0000

SUCCESSFUL LIVING :: Toxic relationships abound. Especially in the LGBT community, it isn’t uncommon for us to make the mistake of clinging on too long when we’re in unhealthy friendships or negative partnerships.

One major reason is simply a built-in sense of loyalty to those people who early on supported us, respected us, and loved us – not matter who we are. Growing up as many of us do, feeling unsupported, disrespected, and unloved – because of who we are – lays the foundation for getting stuck in toxic relationships that no longer serve us.

But if you desire success and growth and expansion in your life, it’s important to examine – no matter how difficult it is – whether or not you are being held back by those you are intimately involved with. Friends and partners have a huge impact on the direction of your life; success cannot come if you are with people who are not a match.

Here are a few ways to know if a person is right for you:

They give and take. You get that feeling in your solar plexus about that friend who only calls when they want something, only goes out when you can pay, constantly needs advise, consoling, an ear, a shoulder – and that feeling feels awful. Plus, they are never there in the same way for you; it’s all about them. Make sure that friend or partner is capable of being both sides of the coin – they are keepers.
They appreciate your success. If you’re shooting for the moon and have people around you who are always ready with why you shouldn’t, what could go wrong, why you should fear what you desire, that friend is probably no longer for you. Real friends and partners, the ones you want around you, LOVE to watch you soar – and feel inspired by you.
You admire them. It is simply impossible to be successful if you are the star of the show with everyone in your life. Someone – preferably lots of people – needs to be in your orbit, whom you admire, who pushes you, teaches you, advises and mentors you. If you are that person to the people in your life, maybe it’s time to look at those people a little more closely.
They are on the leading edge. They push themselves. They take dares. If you have friends who are afraid of change, who hate their apple cart being upset, who don’t like it when you change, you may want to look at changing that friend. If you want success, you want to make a point of finding people to be with who are scared as hell but ready to leap anyway.

This isn’t to suggest that people with whom you are no longer a match are wrong or bad. It’s to say there comes a time in all of our lives when certain people hinder rather than help our personal expansion. That’s what toxic relationships are: they hold you back, or bring you down.

In fact, staying in toxic relationships with people just because of what you once were to each other is likely holding them back as much as it’s holding you.

Knowing when to call it a day with toxic relationships can often be the most loving act you can do for them – and yourself.

– GGN publisher Shaun Proulx lives well and by his own rules. His blog on how to be, do and have anything is here.

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LGBT Radio :: Dan Bucatinsky, John Grant, Larisa Yurkiw, Dr. Trevor Hart

GGN — Mon, 05 May 2014 16:24:13 +0000

LGBT RADIO – GGN EXCLUSIVE :: If you missed the original broadcast on SiriusXM Canada Talks CH 167 of The Shaun Proulx Show, hear it here. In this episode, GGN‘s publisher welcomes Emmy-winning star of TV’s Scandal, Dan Bucatinsky. Dan’s a familiar face: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Weeds, Friends. He’s also Lisa Kudrow’s business partner, he’s married to screenwriter / director Don Roos, they have two kids and Bucatinsky’s found time to write a touching, funny book of essays called Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight – Confessions of a Gay Dad.

Also in this episode, a dark horse stood out amongst the incredibly impressive list of nominees for the International Male Solo Artist category at the BritAwards: Justin Timberlake, Drake, Eminem, Bruno Mars (who won): American singer-songwriter John Grant. The former lead of The Czars joins #TheSPS to talk about what it was like to hang with Boy George at what George called a “cocaine fuelled event” on Twitter), and being open about his HIV-positive status.

Plus, the Olympics may be over, but the stories of athletes’ determination inspire forever. Downhill skier Larisa Yurkiw shares how worked for four years to come back from a devastating injury and had to raise her own funds – $150,000 – so she could have her one minute and 43 seconds on the Olympic’s women’s downhill course in Sochi. Ryerson University researcher Dr. Trevor Hart also shares the fascinating details of his leading-edge study that aims to prove that gay men are stronger than they think.

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ENDOWMENT :: Bigger Isn’t Always Better

GGN — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 05:16:56 +0000

ENDOWMENT (AND YOU THOUGHT CARRIE BRADSHAW HAD BIG PROBLEMS) :: I met a guy online to release a bit of tension from the week. You know, one of those men who have a profile picture that looks like they just stepped out of a photo shoot for GQ. He was tall, dark, chiseled in all the right places, offering a beautiful… package.

He and I decided to meet in person. We grabbed dinner, so our intended hook-up didn’t seem like such a one-night stand. And I was pleasantly surprised. He was not only gorgeous but also held amazing conversation. I found myself falling for this perfect specimen over dinner, but decided to speed things up before I became completely enthralled by this real life Michelangelo.

We went back to his place to start what we had intended when we met online. The second his door closed behind us we started attacking one another, clothes ripping off.

We stumbled to the bedroom and when I couldn’t contain my passion any longer I ripped off his underwear.

I stopped. There it was, his giant… giant. I don’t think I have ever seen something so large in my life. I looked from his smiling face to his… too big and started laughing.

He looked at me confused and said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! I just don’t think that’s going to, well … fit.”

He smiled again and said, “We’ll find a way.”

It was probably the longest most uncomfortable sex of my life. I felt like I was being murdered.

Flying in the face of everything we are taught in Gay School, there was just too much of a good thing happening to actually have a good time.

The next week Mr. Too Big kept messaging me to go out again. But I knew that if we did it would only lead back into the bedroom; I had still not recovered from our last encounter. I felt partly depressed. Here was this God of a Man who wanted to see me again and all I could think about was how scared I was to jump back into bed with him.

Finally I decided to set this raging stallion free into the wild where he belonged. I told Mr. Too Big that I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t believe it. I was throwing away the kind of man that every gay man (and straight woman) dreams about. But I was keeping a great lesson learned from this painful process: More isn’t always better.

Size matters in ways different than gay men are led to believe.

– Cole Douglas

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SAME-SEX MARRIAGE :: Don’t Take Love For Granted

GGN — Sat, 22 Mar 2014 12:12:49 +0000

YOU CAN’T TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED :: The Dali Lama, who is celibate, has thrown his considerable moral weight behind same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage has been legal in Canada for many years now. In that time many of us have attended same-sex weddings, some of us have married, some have divorced and most of us debated whether or not we should emulate heterosexist societal norms.

The legalization of same-sex marriage here came about in a typically Canadian fashion. There was no bloodshed. There were demonstrations, discussions, political debate and legal arguments.

But no one died. Instead we engaged in luxurious debate.

Years later, I still hear musings about whether or not marriage is really all that important.

Once same-sex marriage was legal in Canada, my partner Laurie and I quickly began planning our own wedding. On April 30th 2005, surrounded by family and friends, we married in a ceremony we created from start to finish. It was important to us that this big step, this legal formal recognition of our relationship, was as unique as the two very distinct individuals who make up this couple. I treasure the memories of that day and the photos depict much love, joy and community. Over 100 guests celebrated with us, all of them important and ongoing elements in our lives.

Three years later we attended a very small ceremony, only five people besides the couple and the officiant. It was August 2008, and two Korean women had tentatively entered my former workplace, QMUNITY – British Colombia’s Queer Resource Centre.

They asked the volunteer receptionist how they could get married. They’d been to city hall and had a license, but didn’t know the next step. Our volunteer helped them contact a marriage commissioner who would come to the centre in two hours to marry them. In the meantime the couple went out to buy a cake, while QMUNITY volunteers went out for flowers, and I called Laurie inviting her to the sudden wedding that was about to take place in Meeting Room 1.

After a brief ceremony (with our volunteer receptionist and volunteer coordinator serving as witnesses and a centre counsellor, and Laurie and I the only attendees), cake was cut and pop was raised to toast to the couple.

We learned they’d been in Vancouver for six months to learn English, and were returning to Korea the next day. While in Vancouver, these women had seen what it could be like to live out and open as a couple. They had hoped that they might be able to stay in Canada but the bureaucracy and paperwork had taken more time than their visas allowed. We found out they wanted to marry while they still could before returning to Korea where they would have to once again hide their relationship. At home their families and friends knew them only to be roommates, close friends. It was and still is safer that way. When I asked if they would tell anyone at home of their marriage they looked at each other and the woman who spoke better English said “No, we won’t be able to tell anyone tell that we’re married. But we’ll know.”

Marriage isn’t for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, but it is important that those who choose to marry have the opportunity to do so. While we have the luxury of debating – and gaining the thumbs up from the likes of the Dali Lama – regarding whether or not we as queer people will or won’t marry, there are many others outside Canada dying – literally, sometimes, for the opportunity.

– Jennifer Breakspear is the Executive Director of Vancouver’s Options For Sexual Health.

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GAY DATING :: Sloppy Seconds

GGN — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 20:54:22 +0000

GAY DATING :: Is it possible to find a man your friends haven’t already slept with? At least where gay dating in my hometown (Toronto) is concerned. It is impossible to find a single gay guy here who hasn’t slept with, or at least dated, one of your good friends. All it takes is one click on “mutual friends” on Facebook to find that you have over 30 friends in common. All it takes is a single picture of the guy on your phone, shown to everyone at Sunday brunch, to have everyone tell you that he slept with someone you know who dated another friend in 2007. All it takes is for the two of you to be at Woody’s on a Thursday night and have the guy tell you two of his ex-boyfriends are here.

It’s terrifying.

For someone who hasn’t been on a date in months, it’s scary to know that the next guy I find online or at a bar will probably have had sex with someone I know. I wonder if I’ll have to start going on ManHunt Napanee just to meet someone who hasn’t slept with one of my friends.

When I talk to people about this, they are surprised at my disdain about the idea of being a “sloppy second,” if you will. I guess I missed some sort of unspoken agreement in the gay community that tells you that it’s completely normal and acceptable to sleep with someone, even after you are both aware that you have been intimate with the same people.

That boggles my mind. It boggles my mind that when I bring the man I’m dating to a social event, he’s already potentially slept with a quarter of the gay men there. It boggles my mind that people are shared and tossed around like sexual clowns, going from one party to the other.>Tweet this!

Must I be the first to say “no”? Must I be the one who ends this? I must. I, Philip Tetro, declare today that I will no longer become romantically involved with another man who has slept with someone I know. Even under the influence of several $2 vodka-cranberries, I will not take someone home who is the ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine.

I refuse to be gay dating second best, baby!

(Here’s hoping I don’t forget the rules.)

– Philip Tetro

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RELATIONSHIPS :: A Letter To My Dog

GGN — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 20:59:40 +0000

BFF :: Following his interview with Lisa Erspamer, co-creator of the year’s best book, A Letter To My Dog, GGN publisher Shaun Proulx was inspired to follow write his own letter to his dog, a Cocker Spaniel named Ella. You can write your own, and submit it to ALetterToMyDog.com. Read or hear Shaun and Lisa, here.

Dear Ella (aka Ella-Bella, Lady Girl, Lady Wigglebottom, Baby Lady, Ella-Bird, Ella-Loo),

You are a perfect example of right time, right place. Patrick came home one sunny September Friday afternoon after an outing with our little long-haired miniature Daschund, Jack, who had just had fun in the park with other dogs. “I think we need to find a brother or sister for him,” he announced. “Even though he’s eight years old he still has tons of energy to play with other dogs.”

I had wanted a second dog for a long time and so was on the Toronto Humane Society website faster than a mutt on kibble. I had some specifics: I wanted a rescue, a girl, purebred and a puppy all in one. Several in-person visits to the Humane Society had yielded anything but – what were the odds now?

And there was a photo of you.

What an ugly picture. Bad angle, bad lighting, but the model wasn’t exactly photogenic either (though not even Naomi Campbell could strike a pose under such conditions: you had been returned to the noisy Humane Society twice at this point – even though you were only six months old! – you were caked in urine, and your eyes, which had obviously seen way too much for a baby girl, bulged out of your head like Ramona’s on The Real Housewives of New York sometimes do, all cray).

Regardless, in we went the next day, and when we told the Humane Society staff you were the dog we were interested in, they promptly did everything they could to steer us in another direction. “Teddy” as you were called (what a dumb name for a girl), was a lost cause, we were informed. They actually made us go look at other dogs first, and we did, spending time with other options.

After we insisted we still wanted to meet you, they remained stubbornly reluctant, explaining you were not a good idea. You were burdened with a host of issues: you attacked anyone who even tried to pet you; you were incredibly possessive and aggressive over things you deemed yours (ie: your smelly broken tennis ball). You had food issues. All for starters. So you had been returned to the Humane Society twice for very good reasons, though clearly something(s) had happened to kickstart such aggressive, dominant behaviours (not your fault).

Finally we met you, in a locked room (like you were Hannibal Lecter). The Humane Society staff were so determined to make sure we knew all your defects that they even showed us – using a fake hand / arm on a stick – what happened when anyone tried to pet you. You made Cujo look like a cuddle toy.

“But I’d react like that too if you poked at me with a plastic hand,” I pointed out.

When you weren’t being prodded by a fake hand, you showed another side. Yes you had obvious damage and the wounds, but you were clearly also a little puppy girl who – as long as she went first – was playful, frisky, and eager. I saw those qualities more than the negatives; you seemed like possibility.

Everyone deserves another chance.

To the astonishment of the Humane Society we took you home, along with a long letter we signed listing all that We Were Getting Into – just so all parties were clear.

We were – but we weren’t. We couldn’t have been prepared for the extent of the mess that was you. What. An. Ordeal. We needed a leash, four hands wearing thick gardening gloves, and the patience of Job just to wash all that urine off you once we got you home. You didn’t trust us or our hands and you attacked them fearlessly as the water from the shower rained down on you.

Feeding you was a matter of placing the plate down and whipping our hands away so you didn’t go for them. Your snapping, growling, biting at the air in our direction was nerve-wracking. We didn’t sleep for the first several nights. You howled, yet we couldn’t touch you to comfort you. We tried to but regretted it, especially Patrick that one time, and his index finger. When you bit us – and you would come to do this many times – the adrenaline rush was a shocking experience unlike anything else.

Who did what to you before we met?

Patrick wanted to take you back. But I refused.

Because even though every setback seemed like a huge failure – just as we were relaxing into progress – each day that passed I could see overall improvement. I focused only on that which I wanted more of.

“She wants to be a good girl,” I insisted, stubbornly oblivious to the scabs on our hands and noses.

We exercised the heck out of you. Huge walks in all weather just to get the excess energy out. We learned to keep a leash on you at all times, so we could control you better until you needed less controlling. We taught you to sit, which was huge because we made you sit before everything to show you who was boss. Sit before entering the home, sit before dinner, sit before coming up on the couch. Sit just to sit.

It amazes me the things we did to co-create trust. We sing-songed your name so you knew “Ella” meant good news. I would lie down on the floor with a pillow to read a magazine so to be at your level and you would come over, sniff me and I would just ignore you. You eventually met me halfway and climbed up to sit on my legs. Small victories added up; you began to prove my case.

She wants to be a good girl.

Your face began to soften. We could see it. Weeks passed and then months and while there were mishaps along the way (Patrick still won’t let you by his face for too long), you became a different dog. Your bites became warning growls which now have become just a lot of hot air. The Sunday I was lying on the couch watching The Young & The Restless and you jumped up and snuggled into my chest, heaving a heavy dog sigh, I wept. And it wasn’t because Pyllis was losing Nick to Sharon again.

“You couldn’t do that with her before,” became almost a mantra each time we experienced “normal” dog interaction with you.

We began to say it more and more as months passed.

In the safeness of our home you grew to become The Dog No One Else Knows. You are still damaged goods, but aren’t we all? Today, though, you are different. Relaxed, safe, curious, adventurous, obedient, trusting, loving. The best is when I spy you sleeping belly up. I feel so honoured that you are so trusting and relaxed before us. I hope one day to give you a good belly scratch, but five years later we get a quick rub in and that’s plenty for you.

You are my constant companion. I’m so lucky to be that guy, who gets to have his dog with him at work. You sit by my desk all day except random moments when you come over to be picked up like a baby and have a cuddle. You travel with me wherever I can bring you. You snuggle in the crook of my arm at night. In the mornings (you hate mornings and are the last one fully awake), we have a daily ritual that sees you cover my face in soft kisses and I cover your salty face back. Sometimes our mouths meet and by accident you slip me tongue. I’m down with that.

You are the smartest of all the dogs I’ve had – it’s truly delightful. You sit the second you decide you want something. Food, a cuddle, anything, down you sit first. You let me know what you need when you need it, and I can actually speak in full and complete thoughts and you pick up my meaning. When you tap my face with your wooly paw in the middle of the night because you want under the covers, I am in awe as I lift them and you slip in.

You are All Woman and you hate putting your lady parts down in wet or cold; you will only pee within a ten-foot radius of Home. When you fart (which is infrequent) you scare yourself. And although this one took a long time to make happen, you now love being brushed and prettied up. Your lashes are stupidly long, like a drag queen’s, and you wear your eyeliner just a tad thick but it works. I love your Fraggle hair. Whoever bred you cut your tail off too short, so you wiggle your whole bum instead when you are happy; Patrick and I do a mean imitation. Your copper coat is a thing of beauty when the sun hits it.

You are still hyper-vigilant. You still scare the crap out of people who ignore our warnings to just let you be and try and pet you without engaging you first. This seems especially the case with straight men; it is extra funny to see them jump when you snap. You are a tough bitch, a baby lady, a salty dame, you are an overbearing younger, bigger sister to Jack, and you torment Annie the cat (and she does the same back). You always try and get some of Patrick’s beer, which drives me nuts but I give you credit going after what you want.

You have my whole heart, Ella-Loo, and my soul, your big brown eyes, completely softened now from the Ramona days, slay me every time I look into them. We are a team, a duo, an old married couple. Patrick just rolls his eyes.

“We won,” we say, whenever you are more snuggle bunny than killer beast, which is most days now.

Thank you for this epic experience I wouldn’t ever trade.

You did it, my darling Ella: You’re a good girl.

I love you forever,

Your daddy

P.S. Remember that time we were in the shop buying magazines and a man came in with a huge black pig on a leash?

– Shaun Proulx is the publisher of GGN, and before Ella and Jack there was Sammy and Chip and Patchie and Cheemo. He tweets a lot about Ella here. All images: Patrick Marano.

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RELATIONSHIPS :: Sex And Disability

GGN — Sat, 30 Nov 2013 11:24:17 +0000

Photo by Eric Schwabel

SEX AND DISABILITY :: We met at a party and quickly became friends. I immediately had the hots for him. I had asked him out earlier in the year but he said all he wanted was to be friends. One August night we went to see a movie. We were heading home and I just couldn’t take it anymore; I wanted him. I wanted to be with him, even if it was just for the night.

I told him and he reluctantly agreed to come up to my apartment.

We sat down and I could tell that in his mind that he had already decided that sex was not possible. He said he would get naked but that would be it. He did and then he pulled my pants down. He could see my erection; he knew that I had relationships before.

This wasn’t enough though. He was just too nervous. We got dressed, and he left.

We saw each other at the clubs occasionally, but never hung out again. I sent him an email the other week to see if he wanted to go to another movie – and got a response to say that he has moved to another province. He obviously didn’t say goodbye and I doubt that I’ll see him again.

I don’t regret that we didn’t date; it wouldn’t have worked, but I still wish we had sex that night. I wish we could have laid together as two, sexy, sweaty, gay men.

We needed to talk about the possibilities.

This isn’t the only time a guy has seen my disability but hasn’t seen the possibilities of sex. I think most guys assume that I don’t have the mobility to have sex, or that they would hurt me. Other guys are more blunt and say that it would be too weird to have sex with me.

The fact is I have a lot of mobility in bed that makes sex very normal. Other people with disabilities might need to use different techniques or positions.The thing to do is ask before you make any assumptions.

After all, we all end up sexy, sweaty, gay men.

– Colin Phillips

Photo: The latest crush of gay men everywhere, Alex Minsky, is a former marine who lost his right leg in Afghanistan. Image: Eric Schwabel

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RELATIONSHIPS :: Chat Roulette

GGN — Fri, 22 Nov 2013 15:05:56 +0000

RELATIONSHIP GAMBLE :: Liam is your everyday twentysomething: second college degree, part-time job as a boxing instructor, and a classic charmer. But Liam has something that most twentysomethings don’t have: a story about finding love in the most unusual way.

On the way home from the gym, Liam and I were taking our chances on the public transit when our casual conversation quickly turned into a story from Liam that gives hope to anyone wanting to find love.

Liam didn’t find love at a bar, or an art gallery opening, or even on “Adam for Adam”. Liam found it on the online forum called “Chat Roulette”.

Chat Roulette is a site where people connect via webcam to talk with strangers, and, likely, hoping to god that when they press ‘next’ they won’t be led to an old man pleasuring himself.

“I didn’t know what I wanted, this was just a site to vent, a place to just talk to other people,” Liam explained as if I was judging him. He could not have been more wrong; he had me hooked. He told me about how this online wheel of fortune led to meeting Lorenzo, a hot man from Rome. He had a gleam in his eye. “I pressed the ‘next’ button and suddenly I saw this beautiful boy, looking at me through my computer screen.”

The two talked for hours after that, which led to five-hour Skype dates every day. They shared their childhood stories, their interests, their dreams, and had a few Skypecapades.

After talking to each other for a year Liam wanted to surprise Lorenzo, so he bought a ticket to Rome and told Lorenzo the good news.

Liam stopped hearing from him.

After ten days of confusion Liam got hold of Lorenzo who told him with fear in his voice, “I can’t have you come here, I have a boyfriend now. I am sorry.”

“NO!” I screamed out upon hearing this on the subway. Fellow passengers looked our way and stared at the two of us. But Liam’s confident smirk told me that this love story was not over.

“I spent $1,300 on a flight for someone I had never met, so, after some thought, I knew I had to go after him.”

Bravely, Liam went to Rome and let Lorenzo know he was staying at a hotel in his city. “When he agreed to meet me,” Liam said, “I knew this was my chance.” Lorenzo had agreed to meet Liam with a group of his friends.

They met. Liam says that even with the dynamic of having Lorenzo’s friends there, they were in their own world. What were once just faces over the Internet was now two men live in the flesh.

Their desire was uncontrollable. They went back to Liam’s hotel.

Before the two engaged in a long-awaited passionate night, Liam asked about Lorenzo’s boyfriend.

“He was gone the second I knew you were coming,” Lorenzo told Liam.

Not a day goes by without the lovers spending hours talking. Lorenzo has even planned on moving to the city to live with Liam. Does distance in a relationship really matter? Or does distance make the heart grow fonder?

After convincing Liam to let me use this story, to give all singles out there hope in the search for love, I received a text from him.

I forgot to tell you, we had a dare with one another. I told him if we met I would be able to make him fall in love with me…. I guess I won!

– Cole Douglas is currently studying his degree in PR, and is TheGGN‘s relationship blogger. Get more of Cole’s stories about love and sex on his blog, The Game.

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