SAME-SEX MARRIAGE :: Don’t Take Love For Granted

YOU CAN’T TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED :: The Dali Lama, who is celibate, has thrown his considerable moral weight behind same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage has been legal in Canada for many years now. In that time many of us have attended same-sex weddings, some of us have married, some have divorced and most of us debated whether or not we should emulate heterosexist societal norms.

The legalization of same-sex marriage here came about in a typically Canadian fashion. There was no bloodshed. There were demonstrations, discussions, political debate and legal arguments.

But no one died. Instead we engaged in luxurious debate.

Years later, I still hear musings about whether or not marriage is really all that important.

Once same-sex marriage was legal in Canada, my partner Laurie and I quickly began planning our own wedding. On April 30th 2005, surrounded by family and friends, we married in a ceremony we created from start to finish. It was important to us that this big step, this legal formal recognition of our relationship, was as unique as the two very distinct individuals who make up this couple. I treasure the memories of that day and the photos depict much love, joy and community. Over 100 guests celebrated with us, all of them important and ongoing elements in our lives.

Three years later we attended a very small ceremony, only five people besides the couple and the officiant. It was August 2008, and two Korean women had tentatively entered my former workplace, QMUNITY – British Colombia’s Queer Resource Centre.

They asked the volunteer receptionist how they could get married. They’d been to city hall and had a license, but didn’t know the next step. Our volunteer helped them contact a marriage commissioner who would come to the centre in two hours to marry them. In the meantime the couple went out to buy a cake, while QMUNITY volunteers went out for flowers, and I called Laurie inviting her to the sudden wedding that was about to take place in Meeting Room 1.

After a brief ceremony (with our volunteer receptionist and volunteer coordinator serving as witnesses and a centre counsellor, and Laurie and I the only attendees), cake was cut and pop was raised to toast to the couple.

We learned they’d been in Vancouver for six months to learn English, and were returning to Korea the next day. While in Vancouver, these women had seen what it could be like to live out and open as a couple. They had hoped that they might be able to stay in Canada but the bureaucracy and paperwork had taken more time than their visas allowed. We found out they wanted to marry while they still could before returning to Korea where they would have to once again hide their relationship. At home their families and friends knew them only to be roommates, close friends. It was and still is safer that way. When I asked if they would tell anyone at home of their marriage they looked at each other and the woman who spoke better English said “No, we won’t be able to tell anyone tell that we’re married. But we’ll know.”

Marriage isn’t for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, but it is important that those who choose to marry have the opportunity to do so. While we have the luxury of debating – and gaining the thumbs up from the likes of the Dali Lama – regarding whether or not we as queer people will or won’t marry, there are many others outside Canada dying – literally, sometimes, for the opportunity.