STRETCH THAT HEART :: Sean Cribbin returns to TheGayGuideNetwork with part two of his three-part series exploring the dynamics of long distance love. The possibilities, pitfalls and probability of making love from afar stand the test of time. (Read part one here.)
Riddle me this: What is located at 21.3069° N, 157.8583° W and 43.6481° N, 79.4042° W?
No, not Starbucks. Those are the coordinates of my boyfriend in Honolulu, and me in Toronto. We live 4,646.67 miles (7,477.88 kilometers) apart, there is a six-hour difference in time, a minimum of a day to day-and-a-half of travel (depending on which direction you are travelling). We log 9,293.34 air miles per trip, a lot of travel expenses and in the mix, a heck of a lot of typical travel-esque complications and obstacles.
As mentioned, I live in Canada and He in America, and while President Obama may have endorsed gay marriage there, the United States is still decades behind Canada and this presents possible challenges for any kind of matrimonial future. My significant other has never seen snow and has no desire to, and, of Portuguese descent, lives within blocks of his family, unlikely ever to move far from the fold.
This is the reality of my long distance relationship. But no matter the statistics or situational circumstances why do people do it? Why am I doing it? I refer back to part one of this series. When you meet someone that you connect with, who exceeds your expectations and who treats you the way you have always deserved to be treated you’d be surprised what one can endure to hold on to that.
Technology has certainly aided the ability to maintain these distant romances, and you find you start to get really creative. For instance; we will keep Skype open and simply watch the same movie or television program, as if we are sitting on the couch next to each other. Unlimited texting and calling makes it easy to pop in and out of each other’s day sharing a moment with a pic from a camera phone. Facebook is at times the only link when one is asleep in their time zone the other has the ability to post messages of their day and greetings to meet the other when they awaken.
All this being said, nothing can replace the joy of human contact. The first year my partner and I managed to spend about 70 days out of 365 in each other’s company and considering the distance that’s pretty damn good. I find myself maximizing holiday time on both sides to alleviate and shorten the times apart. Business trips and conferences become opportunities to meet half way and cut on travel expenses. While I have very little savings, by god I now have Elite status with my air carrier.
In the end though, it gets harder to say goodbye each time knowing you are leaving a piece of yourself that makes you feel whole and your world right. I know that soon we will have to either close the gap or find an end-point. My therapist says this urgent need to push a relationship to its conclusion is a defense mechanism and tells me to relax and be in the moment. So for now I will try and do just that, relax and know that there is a Man in this world that I love that loves me back.
That alone is something very special and not to be forgotten.
I know this is old but I was looking for some way to let you know that I think it took a lot of courage for you to speak out. You are an incredibly brave person. I realize it’s all incredibly traumatic right now but I hope at some point you see what a gift you’ve been given. You made it through the darkness. I believe that because of your strength, others will feel safe coming forward. I wish you all the best.